the girlfriend project....

ang paborito kong gawin....

Wala ka bang napapansin?
Puro english ang input ko.
Kasi feeling ko, kapag ganoon ang ginawa ko,
marami ang hahanga.
Marami ang bibilib.
Yabang ko no?
pero tapos na 'yon.
Pagod na akong magkunwari.
ayus na ako sa salitang ginagamit ko ngayon.
Kumbaga mas kumportable ako.
Mas kaya kong maging totoo.

Pero babalik tayo sa pamagat ng entry na 'to.
Ang paborito kong gawin.
Ano nga ba "to?
Magbasa at mag-isip.

being the so-called "isko"

I am studying in one of the best schools in the country.

Some think that i am intellegent.

Some even think that i am different from them.

But they were all wrong.

My parents were very proud.

People admire me.

My friends showed their love.

But i don't need those.

I am nothing but an ordinary person.

Have my own weaknesses.

Have my own fears.

But i think, those are not important.

Because now i am afraid.

Afraid to loose everything.

Everything my parents want me to be.

I know, all these were vague.

I guess, all i am trying to say is:

I AM SURELY SICKED OF THOSE PRESSURE AND EXPECTATIONS,

BUT I AM ALREADY HERE.

WHY SHOULD I LET GO?

MANY WOULD GRAB THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE ON MY PLACE.

I THINK, ALL I CAN DO IS TO CHERISH THIS MOMENT

AND LIVE BY MY PURPOSE.

THAT IS,

"SERVE THE PEOPLE".....

i am now bewildered...

"Today, one must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being,"
this has been quoted from the Journal of a Solitude of May Sarton.

What i have written above is not really what i am going to post. I just looked for a quotation about being a man and this became my favorite.

Early this morning, my mom just told me that a lot of her friends were asking bout my gender. Right! Some gender issue here. This brought me to type these words I am now weaving. Also, I became more conscious now bout my actions that could possibly be the basis of those narrow-minded people.

I was raised in an all-female crowd. I was exposed on the femininity of the world. I admit, there came a time where i thought that all their actions could also be for male. Because obviously, on my age that time, it is hard for me to distinguish which is for man and which is for woman. All along, what i am doing i guess is just the reflection of what i have been witnessing inside our home. I know, i had brought some actions outside our house but who the hell would tell me that it was wrong?

I am confused with people's reaction. But one thing is for sure, i am a man in every aspect of such word.

a memory of things learned

"Balloons explode when filled with too much air,” this has been my father’s advice whenever my sister and I fight on something; it is when I want to have what my sister has. This statement though never sunk to me. I never realized what it actually meant until that very astonishing day that almost ruined my whole being."

I am Daryl, a true-blooded mama’s boy.

But what I have written above does not have any connection of what I am going to tell. Okay, it has the connection but apparently, the real story evolves around me. And it started this way…

My life has been almost perfect. I have beautiful and loving parents. My father has a stable job that can actually provide anything my sibling and I want. So in reality, whatever we want, we get. My mother, she is the typical Filipino wife that will submit and render her whole life serving her family even though she had her own degree in nursing. And my sister? She is the epitome of a woman who had fulfilled her dreams and continuously making her own path. So saying all these things, I could actually say that no quandary can make my life different in any way it could possibly be.

Not until that very single day I had realized I was completely wrong.

Even when I was young, my parents had always been serious when it comes to my academe. Coming from a big family and not to mention achievers too, I guess, it was pretty normal to be always subjected into comparison. Like my other relatives, my parents had also put some standards and expectations to me leading them to think that I was perfect too, that I am actually smart. And so when I entered preparatory, my parents directly show me that I need to be extra-good in my grades. They even told me that I have to maintain the status quo they had gained when they were still studying. This pressured me a lot to the point that I had to pretend that I could handle anything very well and that I had no weaknesses. It even came to a point that I cannot address the need of my personal life just to foster that “perfect” image my parents had always imposed to me since then. But I managed to survive.

This dilemma even continued when I was in high school. Fresh from the fame I got during elementary, I was so agitated about what high school could bring into my life but of course, the never fading expectation has been always there. Bringing my own skills, I was pretty surprised about the diversity this stage of education has. People were a lot different I guess. And I had observed several things that resulted into much bewilderment. First, I know I am good in memorizing but there were too many in the class that were brilliant in understanding. Second, I know I am okay with numbers but there were those that can answer a problem in just a blink. And lastly, I know I have the intelligence but too many were smart. So it boils down to this problem: I know I am good but is it enough be on top when all the people around me were better in every aspect that I can? Where should I put myself when I almost felt that I just belong in mediocrity?

But I had no choice. I had to put extra effort and patience to meet the expectations my parents had for me from the start. So what I did was to invest too much of my self. I never stop studying not until I perfected the lesson. And slowly, it paid off. I reached the top. More so, I joined many contests to improve my craft and skills. Eventually, I was able to create an impression to my classmates that I am one of the good students and they even tagged me the “know-it-all” kid. Everything goes smoothly. My parents were so proud of me; I had achieved too many awards and honors. And most importantly, I had gained respect. Again, I thought everything was almost perfect.

That was what I thought.

One day, everything approached so rashly. I had to review for a contest, think of a project for my organization, comply on my class projects and study on my exams. Too many were given but a superman that I believe; I just took all of them together at the same time. I am good, at least my parents believed so. So during that day, I pushed my self a little harder. Listing my priorities, I gave focus on my extracurricular because I was too confident on my academe. And I finished the day well enough but definitely exhausted both physically and mentally. And when I got home, I still pursued studying. Holding my notes on my study table, I started reading my lessons. Trying to absorb every sense it had. Unconsciously, I fell asleep.

Morning after, I was too tense and nervous. Stupid as I am, I was not able to study and read my lesson. And to my surprise, I was not able to read anything about my Achilles’ heel, which is numbers. I know I am in great trouble. As I walked through my classroom, sweats were rushing all over my body. I had already anticipated what could actually happen at the end of the day. I knew all my classmates were ready except me for sure. The tension even became much higher when the teacher started to give the test papers. I know everything will fall into place. That everything I had built will all be ruined. Also, my parents will be disappointed and that I will surely endure hatred. But I still have a choice. I could resort on something if I want to save myself from a sure humiliation but I have to be careful. Indeed, a very risky choice; to cheat.

Honestly, that was my first time. I do not know where the thought came from but since that very morning, as soon as I woke up, I started to write all the necessary information and facts that I know will be needed for the exams. I definitely knew that it was not meant as a reviewer but at the back of my mind, I know it was destined for something else. And so as soon my teacher exited the classroom for a while and as my classmates were too focus on their test papers, my trembling hands started to pull a paper from my pants and started doing what I know was not right. Though I was very anxious, I managed to answer most of the question. I thought I was not caught not until I passed my paper and my teacher told me this, “Mr. Magno, I saw what you did. Follow me at the office.”

Of course, you know what happened next. I was actually caught cheating and was not confronted immediately because my teacher was considerate enough not to do that. The gossip instantaneously reached the whole class and the respect that I had achieved became disgust. All the worst things that I had imagined came into reality. But I managed to graduate. My parents understood what happen but I know everything will not be the same again.

But if there something I have learned from that experience that is; “You cannot have everything.”

And now, as I looked back at that most memorable experience in my life smile can be seen in my face. I know I became better. A lot better. “Balloons explode when filled with too much air,” my father said.

Writer’s note: This is true.

P.S.: I sometimes lie.